Guilt-Free Motherhood: You Don’t Have to Be Perfect

I have been thinking about society’s expectations, and I decided to write about the idea of the “Perfect Mother”—a myth that, in my view, places an enormous burden on modern women. The fantasies and expectations that both a woman and the society around her attach to motherhood often differ radically from the reality she eventually experiences.

I will begin at the moment a woman becomes a mother: childbirth. At that point, our bodies undergo one of the largest and most abrupt hormonal shifts the human body can endure. One or two days after giving birth, we may experience a hormonal roller coaster, and our own body seems to sabotage the fantasy we had imagined. These changes can make us extremely sensitive and emotionally vulnerable. Thyroid function may also become disrupted, contributing to profound fatigue, intense anxiety, or lethargy.

Picture the following scene: a mother is holding her baby while the people around her—society, friends, and family—expect her to be overflowing with happiness, embodying the ideal nurturer and the perfect mother of the fantasy. Yet inside her, a hormonal storm is raging. This same mother may feel joy and sadness at the same time without understanding what is happening to her. She may feel lost, alone, and confused. She may sit by a window and cry, feeling ungrateful, like a bad mother, or unable to enjoy her newborn baby.

This mother needs to understand what is happening inside her. She needs information about the chemical battle her body is going through and reassurance that it is impossible to be the perfectly calm, unshaken mother society expects her to be. She needs to know that, realistically, all a woman can be after childbirth is a “good-enough mother” during this transitional period, when both her body and mind are exhausted. Most importantly, she should not be afraid to ask the people around her for help.

We should remember that “it takes a village to raise a child.” This means that a mother needs the support of an entire community—grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends, teachers, neighbours, and others. Raising a child alone and in isolation inside an apartment is not natural. Above all, a mother needs support.
Thankfully, the perfect mother does not exist. If she did, the pressure and burden would be unbearable. What does exist, however, is a relentless pursuit surrounding the many roles a woman is expected to fulfil. The pursuit of the “perfect mother” has become a daily reality, as women are constantly invited to compare themselves with idealised standards presented on social media and elsewhere.

Every day on social platforms, we see women who appear to maintain their figure, enthusiasm, mood, career, and children within a carefully constructed image of complete happiness. This image may be far removed from our own reality, yet it can still provoke powerful emotions and reactions, sometimes leading to self-rejection and depression. Ultimately, the demand to be the “perfect” mother, woman, and employee can make us psychologically and physically unwell.

This happens because, as we grow up, we develop an inner image and a longing for the Mother—the “ultimate nurturer”—as a calm and steady force: the woman who is always present with patience and love. Then reality arrives. We realise that motherhood also involves exhaustion, tension, and sleepless nights. The distance between the mother we imagined we would be, the mother society and those around us expect us to be, and the mother we actually are can be enormous. This gap gives rise to some of our first deep feelings of guilt and remorse.

Of course, this is not simply a modern Instagram phenomenon. It is an idea rooted in human psychology for thousands of years. Since antiquity, we have imagined the mother through figures such as the goddess Demeter—Mother Earth—the ultimate nurturer, whose existence seemed to begin and end with her daughter Persephone. Yet even within this ancient myth lies a profound truth: Demeter had to come to terms with reality and accept that she could not keep Persephone forever. Even a goddess had to acknowledge that she could not govern or control the entire world.
Our society has carried these archetypes for generations and still carries them today. It expects us to function as though we have no needs of our own and to sacrifice everything at the altar of our children. When we become tired or ask for time for ourselves, we are often met with judgemental looks and rejection.

Society tells us that we must be mothers while also enduring the demands of multiple roles: mother, partner, employee, daughter, friend, and homemaker. We end up exhausting ourselves and, instead of feeling successful, we feel inadequate. Eventually, we understand that it is impossible—and, more importantly, unnecessary—to be perfect in every role. We only need to be “good enough.” This is what Winnicott described, and what I mentioned earlier: it is enough to be a “good-enough mother.”

This influential psychoanalyst offered a deeply liberating idea: a baby or child does not need a perfect mother who responds magically and immediately to every need. A child needs a mother who is also able to fail, gradually and in manageable ways. It is precisely this failure that can help the child develop resilience and a healthy inner world—an independent personality—so that, as the child grows, they can adapt to the real world and understand that their environment does not revolve entirely around them.

By contrast, the “perfect mother” may raise a child who is unable to tolerate frustration and struggles to cope with stressful or anxiety-provoking situations later in life.

We do not need to be perfect mothers or ultimate nurturers, nor do we need to feel guilty whenever we believe we have failed. Failure and mistakes are essential parts of this journey; they are what make us human.

We can be real mothers: good-enough, authentic, and emotionally available to our children. We can be present mothers, complete with our imperfections—mothers who care for their children without being perfect, because mistakes are part of both the relationship and the child’s development.

I will close this article with the following passage attributed to Winnicott, whom I consider an ally to every woman and mother: “The foundation of mental health is good-enough mothering, which gives the infant the opportunity to begin to exist, to begin to feel their body, and to begin to become themselves.”

Η κοινωνία μας, κουβαλούσε και κουβαλάει ακόμα αυτά τα αρχέτυπα, και απαιτεί από εμάς να λειτουργούμε σαν να μην έχουμε άλλες ανάγκες, αλλά να θυσιάζομαι τα πάντα στο βωμό του παιδιού μας κι αν κουραστούμε ή ζητήσουμε χρόνο για τον εαυτό μας συχνά αυτό που αντιμετωπίζουμε είναι επικριτικά βλέμματα, και απορριψη. Μας ορίζει πως πρέπει να είμαστε μάνες αλλά και να μπορούμε να αντέχουμε τους πολλαπλούς ρόλους, της μητέρας, της συντρόφου, της εργαζόμενης, της κόρης, της φίλης, της νοικοκυράς, και καταλήγουμε να εξαντλούμε τον εαυτό μας και αντί να νιώθουμε πετυχημένες να νιώθουμε τελικά ανεπαρκής. Αντιλαμβανόμαστε λοιπόν ότι δεν γίνεται, και κυρίως δεν χρειάζεται να είμαστε τέλειες σε όλους τους ρόλους μας, χρειάζεται απλά να είμαστε ‘επαρκης’, αυτό που είπε ο Winnicott, αυτό που ανέφερα και παραπάνω, ότι φτάνει, να είμαστε μια ‘αρκετά Καλή μητέρα’.
Ο μεγάλος αυτός ψυχαναλυτής είπε το εξής απελευθερωτικό, ότι το μωρό/παιδί δε χρειάζεται μια τέλεια μητέρα που να ανταποκρίνεται μαγικά και άμεσα στην κάθε του ανάγκη, αλλά μια μητέρα που μπορεί και να αποτύχει, σταδιακά και ελεγχόμενα. Και είναι αυτή η αποτυχία της η οποία θα βοηθήσει τελικά το παιδί να αναπτύξει ανθεκτικότητα και έναν υγειη ψυχισμό (ανεξάρτητη προσωπικότητα), ώστε μεγαλώνοντας να μπορεί να προσαρμοστεί στον πραγματικό κόσμο καταλαβαίνοντας ότι το περιβάλλον του δεν περιστρέφεται μόνο γύρω από αυτό. Αντιθέτως η ‘τέλεια μητέρα’ θα δημιουργήσει ένα παιδί που δεν θα μπορεί να αντιμετωπίσει την ματαίωση και θα είναι ανίκανο να ανταπεξέλθει σε στρεσογόνες και αγχογόνες καταστάσεις στη ζωή του.
Δε χρειάζεται λοιπόν να είμαστε η τέλεια μητέρα, ούτε η απόλυτη τροφός ούτε να νιώθουμε ενοχές όταν νιώθουμε ότι αποτυγχάνουμε, η αποτυχία και τα λάθη είναι απαραίτητο μέρος της διαδρομής αυτής και είναι αυτή που μας κάνει ανθρώπινες.

Μπορούμε να είμαστε η αληθινή μητέρα, η αρκετά καλή αυθεντική και συναισθηματικά διαθέσιμη για το παιδί μητέρα, η παρούσα μητέρα με τα ελαττώματα μας, η μητέρα που φροντίζει το παιδί της χωρίς να είναι τέλεια, καθώς τα λάθη είναι μέρος της σχέσης και της ανάπτυξης του παιδιού.

Θα κλείσω λοιπόν το άρθρο μου με το παρακάτω συγγραφικό απόσπασμα του Winnicott, καθώς τον θεωρώ σύμμαχο κάθε γυναίκας/μητέρας,
“Η βάση για την ψυχική υγεία είναι η αρκετά καλή η μητρότητα, η οποία παρέχει στο βρέφος την δυνατότητα να ξεκινήσει να υπάρχει, να αρχίσει να νιώθει το σώμα του, να αρχίσει να γίνεται ο εαυτός του”.

ΠΗΓΗ: mothercare.gr